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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/27007966">It Would Have Been You</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/TigerPrawn/pseuds/TigerPrawn'>TigerPrawn</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Star Trek: Deep Space Nine</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>A little angst, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Claustrophobia, Confessions, Emotional Sex, Frottage, Hand Jobs, Happy Ending, Hemipenes, Intimacy, Kissing, Love Confessions, M/M, Mutual Pining, Pining, Requited Love, Rutting, Set immediately after the episode Afterimage (S7 E3), Unexpected Visitors, Unrequited Love, canon claustrophobia (Garak), discussions of claustrophobia</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-10-14</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-10-14</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-07 01:35:09</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Explicit</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>4,021</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/27007966</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/TigerPrawn/pseuds/TigerPrawn</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>The arrival of Ezri Dax puts everything in perspective for Julian.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Julian Bashir/Elim Garak</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>12</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>95</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>It Would Have Been You</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>22 years ago today Season 7 ep 3 of DS9 premiered (US), what better day then, to post my S7E3 divergent fic?</p><p>NB: This fic was inspired by something Ira Behr said in the <a href="https://www.google.com/search?kgmid=/g/11c6znlspp&amp;hl=en-GB&amp;q=What+We+Left+Behind&amp;kgs=777f848c513ba473&amp;shndl=0&amp;source=sh/x/kp&amp;entrypoint=sh/x/kp">DS9 documentary</a> about how, if they'd actually considered representation back then, they could have had Garak come out as gay to Julian at the end of the S2 episode The Wire and explored that.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <a href="https://www.flickr.com/photos/22015927@N07/50294269431/in/dateposted/"></a>
  
</p><p>
  <i>You want to know something? If Worf hadn't come along, it would have been you.</i>
</p><p>Julian swallowed at the sound of Ezri’s voice echoing around his head as he tried to sleep. </p><p>Ezri Dax. Not Jadzia. </p><p>He clenched his jaw. </p><p>He had loved Jadzia. In the beginning it had been a boyish crush, one that he had grown out of and into a dear, dear friendship. </p><p>He didn’t need to hear those words from Ezri. They held no consolation, even if not for the reason that Ezri might have thought, or Jadzia before her. They had been so close but he had never confided in her about that <i>one</i> thing. As huge as it had been. </p><p>To Jadzia, to Ezri, to everyone - he had kept his feelings quiet. The banter, the flirtation, the very specific type of closeness he had developed with one person in particular over his tenure on the station, had become something he’d even attempted to hide from himself. </p><p>From his naive pursuit of Jadzia, and his ill fated romance with Leeta, even to the many dabo girls, dabo boys and passing romances he’d had over the years. There had only been one person, he’d grown to realise, that he had very slowly and very deeply, fallen in love with. </p><p>
  <i>Come on Doctor, I knew the way you felt about Jadzia.</i>
</p><p>Julian closed his eyes and pinched the bridge of his nose. Those words from Quark when his mind was all but consumed with worry over Garak’s claustrophobic attack. </p><p>He tossed and turned in his bed, trying to get comfortable but it was impossible. </p><p>For years he’d been able to ignore this. He had convinced himself that he couldn’t betray the friendship of a man who appeared to have no other real friends but himself. If he admitted his feelings then their friendship could suffer, and he couldn’t rob Garak of that. Especially not now, with everything he was doing for the Federation. </p><p>But what had happened with Jadzia, and then Ezri coming to the station? And Those Words! It would have been you. The weight of them. Of the lie he had let everyone believe for so many years. A lie that had been a simple one to keep because Jadzia was with Worf and so no one would question his pining, the wearing of unrequited love on his sleeve. No one needed to know that it wasn’t Jadzia that had been the focus of that. </p><p>He had tried to be friendly with Ezri, something the young woman mistook for flirting. And now he couldn’t help but feel distressed at this lie continuing. Going beyond Jadzia, to be played out with all subsequent Dax hosts to come. </p><p>
  <i>You want to know something? If Worf hadn't come along, it would have been you.</i>
</p><p>He missed Jadzia. </p><p>He regretted never telling her and he wished he could take that back and confide in her. Maybe one day he could confide in Ezri? Would that work? They weren’t the same person. And the conversation with Ezri made that clear. Made him all the more regretful that he hadn’t confided in his dear friend before she had died. </p><p>Julian knew she would have been the soul of discretion, and would have been supportive as ever. But confiding his true feelings in Jadzia would have destroyed part of the ruse that he had allowed to become so ingrained in his own mind, as well as the minds of others. He couldn’t allow that. His friendships meant too much. </p><p>Julian had been almost relieved to be called away from the conversation with Ezri in the replimat, only for Garak to be the emergency. </p><p>His heart felt like it would shatter, both then and at the memory. </p><p>Julian scrubbed a hand roughly over his face, agitated. His mind would not rest no matter how hard he tried.</p><p>He sat up and swung his legs out of the bed, giving up on sleep entirely. After a stretch, he made his way into his living space. He was about to ask the computer to turn on the lights, when he stopped. A figure sitting in the chair, the stars shining in behind them, was obvious as soon as Julian entered the room. </p><p>As was their identity. </p><p>His heart did a painful little pulse, but his professional responsibilities had to rule over any other thoughts. </p><p>“Garak. If you’re still feeling unwell you should go to the infirmary.” </p><p>“You find me in your quarters in the dead of night, and that is your response? Ever the doctor.” </p><p>Julian sighed, and smiled softly all the same. “I suppose it just doesn’t surprise me that you are able to let yourself into my quarters. Though I am puzzled as to the why.”</p><p>“Do you remember Doctor, that time you saved me?” Garak asked, his face in almost total darkness, but Julian could see the slight crease in his brow ridges. </p><p>“Which time?” Julian chuckled, moving to the chair opposite. He lowered himself into the firm cushions and looked at Garak, a little more light on him from this angle. </p><p>“I almost died, years ago. And you, brave or stupid, went all the way to Enabrim Tain in order to save me.”</p><p>“Ah yes, I remember.” Julian tried to smile, but it hurt too much. That was the day he had started to realise his true feelings for the man he had been having lunch with once a week for almost a year at that point. But it was also the day he had realised that he was Garak’s one true friend in the entire universe. A man isolated from his people and living among many who detested him. Julian couldn’t rob him of that friendship. </p><p>And so time passed and his feelings grew and he just buried them over and over again. </p><p>“Do you remember what I told you once I had recovered?” Garak asked, his tone soft but determined. There was some tiredness there, understandably, and Julian wished for nothing more than to hold the man as he fell back to sleep. </p><p>“I’m not-” Julian started, unsure which bit Garak was referring to. </p><p>“When I told you that I had had male lovers in the past.”</p><p>Julian’s mouth went dry. He remembered it well. He had been honoured that Garak had revealed this of himself to him. When they had talked about truth and lies and which was which and then Garak’s smile had faltered so slightly before telling Julian a truth that so few knew. </p><p>It wasn’t that same sex relations were completely banned or vilified in Cardassian culture, it was just that the expectation on all Cardassians was a procreation of their family line. As long as you married and beget children to further your lineage, no one cared who else you had sex with. That was to be worked out in the particulars of any marriage. Garak had explained that at the time. And Julian understood that he must have kept that side of himself hidden as part of his position in the Obsidian Order. </p><p>Julian cleared his throat. </p><p>“I was honoured that you told me. That our friendship was such that-”</p><p>“Tssk!” Garak slapped his hands down on the arms of the chair, not as hard as he might have but the small thwack still startled Julian, as did the act itself. Garak leaned forward and almost growled, “I was trying to tell you something that day, Julian. Something I assumed then you couldn’t quite hear. And every day since then.”</p><p>“You’re mad at me,” Julian noted. </p><p>“No,” Garak puffed out a breath. “I’m frustrated. With this situation.”</p><p>“What situation?” Julian frowned, not quite understanding where this was all coming from. It had been an emotional few days for them both, for different reasons. </p><p>Ezri coming to the station, Garak’s claustrophobia attacks and poor mental health. He didn’t need to be a therapist to know that the last few days would be more than enough of a catalyst for addressing some deep and long held issues. </p><p>“If this is about your claustrophobia, I’d like your permission to petition the Bajoran government to allow you-”</p><p>“No!” Garak spoke a little louder this time. He moved and sat forward in his chair, leaning across the space towards Julian. Agitated. </p><p>Julian frowned, he could see the frustration there. The pain. The want. All things that Garak usually took great pains to conceal.</p><p>Julian leaned across the space too, his elbows on his knees as he reached forward on impulse, taking Garak’s hands in his own. </p><p>“What is it Elim? Let me help you.”</p><p>Garak looked pained the moment Julian spoke his name. But then he looked down at their joined hands and-</p><p>Julian let out a shuddering breath when Garak ran his thumb gently over the back of his hand, sending goosebumps up his arms. There was no mistaking the intimacy in the touch.</p><p>Their eyes met again then, Julian’s wide. He blinked, unsure of what he was really seeing. But without breaking eye contact, Garak smoothed his thumb over Julian’s hand again, and when he didn’t pull away, he brought Julian’s hand up to his lips and pressed a soft, dry kiss on his knuckles.</p><p>Julian’s heart was racing, thundering in his ears. They were still watching each other intently, and he could see Garak was looking for any sign of resistance or repulsion. Waiting for Julian to pull away. </p><p>And he should. He really should. For all the reasons he’d held back all these years.</p><p>But Garak was not the man he had been. At least not to the other occupants of the station. He had earned their trust, he worked with them. There were a small number he was sure would count Garak as a friend, and many more as a respected member of the station community. He wasn’t a man in exile, not anymore. He had a place, a home, on the station.</p><p>But Julian knew none were as close to Garak as he, and leaving Garak without that friendship by trying for something more, was surely something he should resist?</p><p>But then, that was when he’d thought that his interest was one sided. </p><p>That Garak’s trust in him to reveal his sexuality was nothing more than a result of how close their friendship truly was. </p><p>That Garak’s obvious flirtation and their general closeness, was nothing more than friendly banter. Though of course world’s apart from that which he enjoyed with Miles. </p><p>Julian swallowed. Had Garak been wanting this all this time? </p><p>“Elim…” Julian said softly, “We shouldn’t…”</p><p>Garak cocked his head and raised a ridge. </p><p>“No?” Garak asked, breathless. </p><p>Julian’s jaw clenched. “You’ve been through a lot these last few days and-”</p><p>“You think I’m not in my right mind, doctor?” Garak smiled, “On the contrary, if anything the last few days have made things very clear to me.”</p><p>Julian swallowed, unable to look away as Garak turned his hand over and pressed a kiss to his palm. Looking up at him through half-lidded eyes.</p><p>“Please tell me, Julian. If I’ve misread this. If I’ve been mistaken in my belief that your desire for Dax was nothing but a ruse.”</p><p>A sound escaped from Julian’s throat that fell between a groan and a whimper. </p><p>“You knew? This whole time?”</p><p>“I knew that you were hiding something behind that facade. But for the longest time I didn’t dare flatter myself that the feelings you were so intent on hiding, were for me.” Garak set their hands back in a gentle hold between them, releasing some of the tension. “I will admit that I am ashamed that despite all my skills and training, it took me so long to realise the feelings you wished to keep hidden, <i>were</i> for me.”</p><p>“I, I don’t-” Julian started to babble, unsure what to say. Or even how to say it with the tight pain in his chest. </p><p>Garak continued, gentle but firm, “I wanted to respect you, as my friend. I understood you would have your own reasons. Even after, all those years ago, I made clear my inclinations. You did not wish to explore them, and I respected that. I still do. I still will, Julian, if you tell me to stop.” </p><p>Garak was looking at him so intently that a small sound, much like a sob, escaped from Julian as he rubbed his thumb over Julian’s hand again. </p><p>Breathless, Julian finally replied, “Don’t stop.”</p><p>A soft smile came to Garak’s face. He tugged gently on Julian’s hand and Julian went. Fluidly and easily. One moment he was in his own chair and the next he was being pulled to his feet and then against the Cardassian. </p><p>“Elim,” Julian breathed out his name and stroked his fingers over his cool skin, feeling the ridges along his jaw as he gazed into his eyes. “I never-”</p><p>His words were stopped by the gentle press of Garak’s lips to his. Soft and cold, the contact after so many years of longing, made him whimper. </p><p>They kissed softly, a languid exploration for a few minutes before Garak finally pulled back. </p><p>“I don’t mean to break the mood doctor, but I think you were right about still needing bed rest.”</p><p>Julian let out a soft chuckle and pressed his forehead to Garak’s. “Of course.” </p><p>He led Garak to his bedroom. </p><p>*</p><p>Julian woke slowly at first, but then was suddenly and acutely awake as the memory of the night before flooded into his mind. </p><p>He drew in a sharp breath and turned to look over to the other side of his bed. </p><p>And there was Garak. Settled on his back, his hands folded over his stomach, breathing softly. </p><p>Julian took in a shaky breath, letting it out as an almost whimper. Overcome by the emotion of having this man in his bed, even if all they had done the evening before was lay down and talk a short while before Garak drifted into an exhausted sleep. </p><p>Julian moved and settled facing Garak, watching the rise and fall of his chest.</p><p>He wasn’t sure how long he lay there watching the Cardassian, and certainly there was nothing to indicate when Garak woke, but he surely had because he then muttered, “Do you plan on watching me all morning, Doctor?”</p><p>Julian’s face broke into a soft smile and he chuckled. “It is customary for doctor’s to watch over their patients.”</p><p>Garak let out an amused hum. “Yes, well. I’m not sure this would be wholly appropriate. I assume you don’t watch over all your patients in quite this way.”</p><p>“This way?” Julian pushed, his heart beating faster and his smile hurting his face. </p><p>“As a lover might.” Garak clarified. </p><p>“Oh no, of course.” Julian replied with faux professionalism and a blush rising on his cheeks. “That is reserved only for my lovers.”</p><p>This finally gained a reaction, a raise of Garak’s brow ridge before the cool reply, “My dear Doctor, I would be deeply offended to find you didn’t divulge any rivals for your interest when I declared myself last night. Cardassians do not enjoy being made a fool. Are there any other lovers I should be concerned about?” </p><p>Julian chuckled, knowing full well that Garak knew there was no one else. There could <i>be</i> no one else. </p><p>“There certainly isn’t, Elim. Just you.” Julian said softly and then moved, leaning over Garak’s prone form to brush his warm lips against the Cardassian’s cold ones.</p><p>That, apparently, took Garak a little by surprise, and he drew in a small gasp, before opening his eyes. </p><p>He looked so intensely at the doctor that Julian was momentarily uncertain what Garak was going to do next. </p><p>Julian let out a shuddering breath as Garak moved his hand, sliding it up to caress Julian’s face before pulling him back down into a soft, languid and yet slowly deepening kiss. After a few moments they parted, gazing at each other once more.</p><p>“I will not admit to imagining it often,” Garak began softly, “But when I have imagined us being together intimately, I had imagined it passionate. Hard and rough, as we give into years of longing.”</p><p>Julian chuckled, “I <i>will</i> admit to having imagined it often. And, yes. Passionate. But… passion takes many forms.” </p><p>Julian felt Garak’s breath release as he leaned in and pressed their lips softly together again. </p><p>He savoured the coolness of Garak’s skin as they kissed and opened to each other. A soft and languid exploration as they began to slowly writhe together. </p><p>With a grunt Julian pulled back, “You should rest.”</p><p> </p><p>“I’ve rested enough,” Garak mumbled against Julian’s lips. “I’ve waited long enough.”</p><p>“Hmm,” Julian agreed, leaning in to kiss him again, leaning over him now and pressing their bodies together. He could feel every ridge beneath Garak’s thin tunic, and could resist running his hands over them. Over his chestspoon and up to his neck ridges before cupping his face and kissing him all the more passionately. </p><p>Garak groaned and started to explore Julian, first closing his hands around his back and then running them down to his sides. With a huff, Garak pulled Julian over him and Julian found himself straddling the Cardassian.</p><p>Julian hadn’t realised how hard he was until he could feel Garak’s hardness beneath him.</p><p>“Elim,” He gasped, an involuntary movement of his hips as he rubbed against Garak. </p><p>“Julian,” Garak’s reply was a soft growl as his hands went to Julian’s hips and began to gently rock him. </p><p>Julian rested his forehead against Garaks, panting as Garak moved him back and forth, gently grinding. Feeling both of Garak’s cocks so hard that he couldn’t hold back a whimper. </p><p>“I, I want to feel you,” Julian panted. </p><p>Julian sat back, allowing Garak the room to sit forward and pull his tunic up over his head, dropping it on the floor next to the bed. Julian did the same, before unzipping his trousers. He wanted to remove all the layers between them, but was also loath to break the contact. </p><p>Garak resolved this. With a grunt he took hold of Julian and rolled them, then pulled back. First pulling Julian’s trousers and underwear off and then his own before resettling over him on the bed. </p><p>“Elim,” Julian said his name with as much awe and affection as he felt, traces his fingers over the now exposed ridges down the Cardassian’s chest. </p><p>“I have longed for this,” Garak replied, settling between Julian’s legs as he opened them to him. </p><p>Julian’s breath hitched as he felt the pearly, slick liquid that Garak was producing. It leaked from the tip of his cocks onto Julian, slicking the way as Garak began to slide against him. </p><p>Julian’s head fell back into the pillows as he groaned at the sensation. </p><p>He wanted everything. He wanted it all. To touch and be touched. To love and be loved. </p><p>But there was time, he had to remind himself. For now he simply wanted them to share in pleasure, to seal the start of what this was, and always had been, between them. </p><p>Trembling, Julian reached his hand down between their bodies, Garak’s movements stilling as he did so.</p><p>And then Garak gasped as Julian took hold of his cocks. Each was slightly slimmer than Julian’s own, but together were much bigger than his own singular girth. Immediately his palm was wet with the copious fluid Garak’s arousal was producing, and he used it to stroke long and slow. </p><p>“Julian,” Garak gasped again, unable to contain the whimper he then let out. </p><p>“My love,” Julian replied, pressing a kiss to Garak’s neck ridges as the Cardassian sank down onto him, moving his hips enough to rock into Julian’s grasp. </p><p>They were both shaking when Julian released his hold and then gently moved his own cock so that it nestled between Garak’s pair. </p><p>With a groan, Garak involuntarily jerked his hips, rutting against Julian’s cock. </p><p>The sensation, after all of this, was almost enough to make Julian come. But he held on, taking a few calming breaths before he returned his hand to them and wrapped it as best he could around Garak once more, his own cock held between his hemipenis. </p><p>Resting his forehead once more to Julian’s, Garak began to move. Rocking their bodies together, and letting out gasps of pleasure where Julian’s flesh connected with sensitive ridges. </p><p>“Oh god,” Julian cried out at the sensation as he tried to not lose his grasp on them as Garak’s motion drove them into the tunnel of his fist. </p><p>They were both breathing heavily against each other, Garak’s face now buried in his neck, his mouth open and cold against Julian’s skin. </p><p>The coolness of Garak’s body only served to make Julian feel all the warmer, almost fevered as he began to stroke against Garak’s motion. </p><p>“Oh, so good… Elim… I… Oh, Elim…” Julian was practically sobbing at the sensation. His arousal only made all the greater by flashes of thoughts and images of future explorations. He wondered if Garak would feel as cold to the touch if he penetrated the Cardassian. Or if Garak penetrated him. </p><p>Julian couldn’t help the clutch of his ass and spontaneous jerk of his hips at the thought of Garak inside him. </p><p>“I’m so close,” Julian moaned, his words almost choked. </p><p>Words seemed to have deserted Garak altogether and he simply nodded against Julian, thrusting a little faster, breathing a little heavier. </p><p>And then- </p><p>“Julian, my love…” Garak growled the words as he began to pulse in Julian’s hand. It was like nothing he’d ever felt before. A surge, as though he could feel every drop of seed within the Cardassian, and then it began to spill cold against his belly. </p><p>“Oh god!” Julian cried out, tears stinging the corners of his eyes as his orgasm hit him almost painfully. It was a relief to come, ropes of warmth spurting between them. </p><p>They both trembled, bodies both jerking together in the aftermath of their climaxes, until finally they were still. </p><p>Garak collapsed onto him, laying flat over him with his head on his chest, listening to Julian’s thundering heart beat. </p><p>Julian let out another shaky breath and smoothed a hand down over Garak’s hair, playing with the hair at the nape of his neck. </p><p>“That was…” Garak started, but trailed off. </p><p>Julian swallowed audibly and nodded, no more able to speak than Garak. </p><p>Perhaps it was the intimacy of their friendship, or the years of longing, but Julian had never experienced pleasure quite like it before. It went deeper than the physical. Even deeper than the emotional. It felt like they were connected by their souls. </p><p>He couldn't help but let out a light chuckle at the thought, releasing some of his own tension even as a silent tear rolled down his cheek. </p><p>“Julian?” Garak asked, his head still resting but he brought up a hand to draw circles in the flesh of Julian’s chest. </p><p>“I was just thinking something, that I’m sure you’d find completely ridiculous if it said it out loud.”</p><p>“Really?” Garak replied, much more seriously than Julian had expected. “Perhaps I should say it first then, to belie those concerns.” </p><p>Julian frowned, about to ask what he Garak had thought Julian was thinking, but the Cardassian continued. </p><p>“I love you Julian. I’m in love with you. Deeply. I need you and now that I have you, I don’t think I’ll ever be able to let you go. But if you ever ask me to, I will.”</p><p>Julian blinked in surprise. </p><p>He had no interest in correcting Garak with what he’d actually been thinking. After all, didn't it amount to the same thing? </p><p>“I think that’s the most honest thing I’ve ever heard you say.” Julian finally replied. </p><p>Garak let out an amused hum and Julian could feel the curve of his lips against his chest. </p><p>“Don’t tell anyone, they’ll think I’m going soft.”</p><p>At that Julian had to smirk, but he restrained himself from responding like a teenager, and instead replied, “I love you too, my darling Elim.”</p>
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